Asking for Prayers & Answers

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Challenges Women Face

October 11, 2016

Hi Julie:

I live common-law with a man for 10 years and we have 3 children. I have never felt peace over it. He believes we’re married In God’s eyes. But I don’t believe that, because I believe I would be in peace if that was true.

I’m a Christian but he isn’t.  He believes in Jesus but doesn’t live it. He is very filthy mouthed, and living with him disgusts me. But my children love him so very much, and he loves them too. He fully supports me financially and is a very good handyman. Some things are good but others are pretty bad. What should I do in this situation?

Although he never made me feel secure in him, I always gave it my all. He just never showed me he cared about me. Others say he’s always had a woman on the side but he says it’s not true. Three years ago he told me you have another man and I have another woman. Well I didn’t have another man. I had a 1 year old baby that took all my energy I had. I started to scream out of pain and he enjoyed to crush my heart.

He continued like that for months. At first I wanted to forgive him and have him remove his girlfriend, but he wouldn’t do it so I gave up on him. It took me 4 months to give up on loving him. He was too blind to realize it. But when I said I stopped loving him he was shocked to hear me say it. But then he pretends I had never said this and treats me like I had always longed for–only until I started to think of giving him another chance he would let it all fly again.

So for the past 3 years I’ve dealt with it this way. I lost love and respect for him. And want to be free but he won’t let me go neither the kids. I’m tired from all the years I’ve been with him, he has treated me like a rag . . . but can’t live without me. What do you think I should do? What do you think is best for the kids?

Now I want to just separate. But he threatens me that I will lose my kids and I could not bare a single day without my wonderful children. And I wish I didn’t have to deal with it through the law. I have never dealt with the law.  And I would let the children see their dad as much as they would want to. But he says if I leave, he will never ever see us again nor will we ever see him again. I wonder what my children would blame me for.

My oldest is now 12, and often cries for us saying that we always argue. I try to hide it from her but he loves to involve her because then he wins the battle because I don’t want to hurt my children.  I have often prayed and felt God telling me to leave him but my children come to my mind and just can’t do it. There’s  something that keeps me trapped. –Asking for prayers and hopefully an answer.

Dear Asking:

You are living with a cruel and manipulative man. He treats you like a rag and has little regard for the children by using them as pawns to get what he wants. On the one hand he says, you’ll lose your children. On the other hand he says if you leave, he will never see any of you again.

Unlike you, he has been unfaithful which, once again, shows you how little he values you and the children. Now that your 12-year-old is old enough to begin putting two and two together, you know it won’t be long until the other children also figure things out. Is it fair to subject them to all of this?

You are not married to this man, much as you wanted to be. And he is delusional if he thinks you’re married in God’s eyes. The wedding ceremony begins with these words: “We are gathered together today, in the sight of God and these witnesses to join together “Mary” and “Bill.” Since he wouldn’t get married, he never invited God to witness and bless your union. You are not married in God’s eyes.

He says he believes in Jesus but doesn’t live it. Talk is cheap. Jesus would not approve of this relationship on many levels: the disrespect and cruelty, the faithlessness, the abuse of children, and to top it all off, refusing to marry you.

I would definitely overcome my fear of the law and get the help you need to be free from this man. He is not good for you or the children. Readers, can you suggest information that may be helpful here?

God bless, Julie


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