Missing the Intimacy

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Challenges Women Face

December 20, 2016

Dear Julie:

I’ve been married for 3 years (we’ve been together 6 years) and we have a great relationship! We get along well and talk and share everything. The only issue we have is we DO NOT have sex, none. This has been my biggest issue with my husband. He’s a hard worker, great provider, he’s my best friend and I truly love him with everything I have. I’ve tried to talk to him about it several times but all he says is he’ll work on it.

About 2 years I caught him talking to other women via the internet, not once but three times. The first few times I didn’t address it because we were dealing with our granddaughter suffering abuse, we were in and out of court for about 8 months until we finally got full custody of her. The last time, I finally could not hold it back and confronted him and even asked for a divorce but he begged me not to and even went to counseling which, sad to say, didn’t help our situation (and it was a Christian-based counselor who agreed with me that there was a major problem).

Well, we stopped going to counseling because I felt it was just causing us more issues. I moved out of our bedroom for about 3 months and it was horrible. Even though I saw him every day we didn’t speak that much. He still helped me with the baby and did everything for me but we just co-existed and I hated it. I finally just decided to let everything go and just accept that we were going to live more like roommates than husband and wife.

It’s been about a year now and for the most part everything is okay. I pray everyday and ask God to please help my husband. I miss sex. I miss the intimacy. I’ve been daydreaming of another man which I HATE because I know I’m committing adultery. I’m at a loss what to do. Please help!–Missing the Intimacy


Dear Missing the Intimacy:

You didn’t mention when this started. Have you two never had sex or did he, at some point, quit wanting to have sex? I assume you’re both aware of I Corinthians 7:4-5 which says that husband and/or wife should only deprive one another by mutual consent so that you can both devote yourselves to prayer. Is prayer his motive? If not, then he is putting you in a precarious state, allowing you to be tempted by Satan (and you are being tempted to daydream about another man). Your husband needs to get a handle on this.

I have two suggestions:

1)You might try another Christian counselor. (Perhaps a different approach?)
Your husband needs to know that what he is doing is not just inconsiderate, it’s unscriptural.
2) Your husband might check with a medical doctor. There could be a physical reason (e.g., erectile dysfunction) that is rendering him impotent. And this is a big deal with men. (Have you seen the movie French Kiss?) Judging by all the ads on television, E.D. is a major problem in our day–but for some men a simple pill can take care of this.

If you have tried the above without success, then I suggest you learn to be content living with this man that you dearly love in all other respects, finding intimacy in other ways (cuddling, spending the moments before you drift off to sleep in each others’ arms). Sex isn’t the only way to find intimacy in a relationship. Many people have learned they can get along quite well without it.

I’d like to direct you to the words of a reader who today shared that she was alone and celibate: “Just for those that wonder, I am completely celibate and have been for over 20 years. When I say completely I mean completely. I’m trying to make it crystal clear I don’t buy batteries for Toys. Completely celibate! People don’t believe it’s possible but it is. I have a male cousin that is too, so it’s a lie to think that everybody doing it. No we not, a lot are but, some aren’t.”

2) And don’t waste your time fantasizing about other men. As you said, it’s emotional adultery. (See Matthew 5:27-28).

I’m going to ask our readers for their input in case I’m missing something.

God bless you,


Remember, friends, as challenges come our way, we can face them head-on
through Christ who strengthens us!

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