Not Sure

Meeting Today’s Challenges Head-On!

January 29, 2016

Hi Julie: I have been struggling emotionally over a breakup my children’s father and I had 3 years ago now. We were together for over 10 years and I was 17 and now I’m 32. I had my very first child young and though he was not the father of my very first child he was like a father to her. Through the course of our relationship he fathered my last three children.  Him and I have been through a lot ..I mean we were young when we got together. Neither one of us came from homes that taught us the proper foundation of how a family with both parents functions.He was abusive emotionally, mentally and at times physically. We both became abusive toward one another. We finally had our REAL break up back in Jan. 2013.  And my focus is not what happened while we were together because that is the past.

My issue is what has become since we broke up. I loved this man and still do. One of our biggest arguments was that he was never really involved enough with the kids. He only was involved to discipline the kids…other than that I would have to be involved for him to be really involved such as spending quality time.  I could sit here and paint this picture of a horrible man, but he is not. We both messed up. One thing is that I could never talk to him without him playing the blame game and never being accountable for his own actions which caused me to resent him and talk to my friends which he hated. I understand that irritated him but i had no one else to talk to.  I got to the point where I felt like I was going crazy in the relationship especially with the fact that he battles with bipolar disorder.  Right before we broke up I prayed and ask God to help me, that the only way I can get over him is for him to not want me anymore. WELL that didn’t work out for me. I still want and love this man.

A few months after we broke up I expressed to him that I still wanted to try to work it out. He told me one day we can and that he just wanted to work on himself…Not admitting that he had a girlfriend . When he finally admitted it…he began to send me all types of messages calling me out of my name.. He didn’t call to check on the kids or bothered to see what they instead he called me out of my name and sent me long paragraphs telling me I was this awful person. So finally I took his Mother’s advice and cut him off completely. I blocked him from Facebook and changed my number and honestly it was the best thing I did for myself… I had no communication with him because of his disrespectful attitude and he didn’t take care of his children. I only left the door open for him to see kids at his Mothers house . He didn’t want to do that because he was not getting along with his mother at the time.  So because he chose not to talk to his mother, he blamed it on me and told people that I kept his kids away from him and that i was mad because he did not want me.

I found out that he was bad mouthing me on Facebook and calling me a whore and other names.  He didn’t become concerned about our children until I moved. He also in the process has gone and had another a baby with this new girl. Yes I still love him but he doesn’t know it and I refuse to show it. I don’t understand why he is angry with me. I did exactly what he wanted me to do which was leave him alone ..I did. I cut him off due to his disrespect and now he is mad for what? I wish I knew along with the fact that he does not do anything for the kids.

However my kids do talk to him on their own phones and it seems like he is slowly but surely starting to act like a decent person such as he just sent the kids some Christmas gifts. He talks to my oldest and let her know that he is still her dad. Supposedly he and the girl broke up and live in separate houses and they broke up because she started acting like me…that’s what he told my he works and is independent which is something I always wanted from him

Throughout all of this I still love him and can’t shake it. I prayed and prayed. I fasted for 30 days, I have gotten prayer for him and I on countless occasions. I prayed and asked God to help me forgive him .

Not one time have I ever responded to his foolishness ever ..I just prayed and ask God to help me forgive as he forgives and loves as he loves.–Not Sure What to do Next

Dear Not Sure: As you said earlier, you probably both messed up along the way and it’s always good and healthy and biblical to hear both sides of a story before making a judgment call. However, if even half of the things you say are true, there’s only one direction to go. Heed your boyfriend’s mother’s advice and cut him off completely. He is poison to you.

You say you can’t shake your love for him, that you’ve prayed and asked God to help you forgive him. Seems to me you’ve gone overboard forgiving his abusive and disrespectful behavior. He has used you and is now starting to use your children. Buying a few Christmas gifts does not make him a good man. Show him the door, kick him through it, and NEVER open it up for him again.

May God give you the strength to free yourself from this evil influence on your life. Julie


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